Sometimes parenting is hard. And by “hard”, I mean exhausting. Carter has never been an efficient or consistent sleeper. Usually this leads the much teeth-gnashing. But last night, at 3am, it lead to some sweet moments with our little man. I’m thankful.
RG
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This is an unbelievably moving video from the people at I AM SECOND. Jim’s story is very close to that of my wife’s first husband Ed.
Magic is the stuff of man. It’s an illusion that we are controlling the situation. Miracles are the proof of God’s control. Where are you placing your hope?
RG
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I love my friend Pete. He and I served at Bay Area Community Church in Annapolis and I consider him one of the most loving , godly people I have ever known. Imagine Jesus with skin on…that’s Pete. When I first met my wife Kelley, Pete served as my chief counsel and confidant when navigating through the changes that were starting to take place in my life. God knew that I needed a friend that could listen to my heart and questions free of agenda and with a genuine desire to help me find God’s best. It was Pete who gave me some of the best advice I have ever received when it comes to the nature of change and how we should move forward into it.
After meeting Kelley for the first time, Pete and I took a trip to hike and camp in the Grand Canyon. I had always wanted to go there after reading “Through Painted Deserts” by Donald Miller and Pete was always up for an adventure, so off we went. As we were descending into the canyon, I started to talk to Pete about all of the questions and worries I had about moving forward with Kelley. Where would we live? How would I support a family? What about Bay Area Community Church? Was I ready to have a mini-van, a mortgage, two kids, a dog, a cat and a bride? I felt like I was starting to become buried under the weight of the road forward. I was excited about what could be, but at the same time, I was overwhelmed by not knowing exactly what would be. Pete listened completely. He’s not one to jump in as thoughts or suggestions enter into his mind. He let me vomit everything that was making my stomach upset and then he offered his thoughts.
Pete explained that I was starting a new journey. I had just unfolded a map and was trying to figure out every possible route to get to a destination that I felt was out there…somewhere. I was trying to see over every mountain, anticipate every road sign and decipher every fork in the road. He said that I was standing still trying to see everything that was to come, instead of doing what every journey requires…walking…one step at a time. All that was next was not important. How I handled each moment as it came was my opportunity to continue the journey well. Walking was the destination in and of itself and I could not arrive down the road if I was not intentional about arriving at the next step. One foot at a time. If I am mindful of walking with Jesus…taking time to care for those on the journey, acting and reacting with character and integrity, allowing myself to deal with my emotions honestly and stopping every now and then to appreciate the view…then, at some point, I will come to the realization that the road unanticipated ahead of me, will be paths travelled behind me. I will see that decisions and directions are more a matter of faith than facts…more a path, than a plan.
God wants us to be faithful with our steps. Those steps are important to Him because they are the only part of the journey that we are allowed to participate in. Little steps are the building blocks of great leaps. Faithfulness is not a matter of planning and executing a strategy for an anticipated result. It’s a decision to move when the plan is not certain and the result is unknown. As a matter of fact, walking by faith is the plan and surrendering the results, the currency of trust in God’s economy. This is the nature of God that is less mathematical equation as it is a canvas being painted. I was never good at math anyway, so I take comfort in this.
As some of you may know, Kelley and I and the kids are at a similar starting point. I have resigned my position as High School Pastor at Highland Park Church. We are not leaving for another church or another ministry opportunity. As a matter of fact, I can’t tell you where we are leaving for, because at this point, all we know is that it is another path…not a destination. There comes a moment in life where you realize that the journey you are on is taking a different direction and the map you are holding is no longer useful to navigate it. The map at that point isn’t useless, it is just meant to be read by someone else. That’s where we are and it is both exhilarating and terrifying. Life with Jesus always is.
We have questions. What will I do for an income? Will will be able to keep our house? Where will we go to church? What about our friendships? Will we find health insurance? Will I end up back in ministry? There are a lot of questions. As we start this new adventure, to this point, I can only offer one answer. We are to be faithful with the next step. And right now, that step is to say goodbye well to Highland Park, with love, affection and genuine hope for our family of faith there. God has already chosen the right person to read the map for the teens of HPN…I am confident in that.
As for the Gebauer family, we are together…we are confident and we are also a little sad to be sure in one sense and excited about the newness in another. Change is not always easy, but it is always a chance to embrace the mystery of God and his will. Embrace it, we will. Together…united and hopeful.
I want to personally thank those of you that have supported us over the years. Your words and encouragement have deposited strength and faith in our heart’s account that we draw from right now. Thank you for the investment…I hope that we can one day return the favor. I want to thank the leadership of HPN for believing in me and offering me a chance to do what I love for the last 3 1/2 years. I want to thank my students both present and former for being the church that I hoped to be used to inspire. I want to thank the families of HPN for listening to my words and encouraging me by confirming that God has something to say through me. And finally, I want to thank the amazing team of volunteers that are the true youth pastors to our students. You are treasure that I store in my heart and a gift from a God who never ceased to bless.
I met with a mentor this morning. My friend Sheldon said that each day is an opportunity to live a wonderful life. Our life and circumstances are never a path to be gotten through, but an opportunity to be gotten to. I promise that as we step forward, it is to life…not just through it. Thank you for walking with us…step by step.
-RG
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Brilliant observations by Pamela Meyer on liars and lie-spotting.
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This is my son Carter.
He was born on February 12 and he makes me unspeakably happy. I haven’t written on here since he was born…there is almost too much to say. All I keep thinking is that if God feels about me the way I feel about Carter, I’m not even close to being able to understand Him.
More to come soon.
RG
A recent message I gave on why God is worthy of our Awe and Wonder…
Wonder from highlandpark on Vimeo.
Whether you like Brian McLaren or not, there is much to consider in this short clip:
What do you think?
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49 West
A couple of years ago, I had the privilege of living in Annapolis, MD. If you have not had the pleasure of visiting, it is one of the most beautiful, exciting places you could imagine. I compare it to living in a postcard with the ever-present sailboats in the area surrounding city dock, and the colonial architecture and majestic sentinel that is the United States Naval Academy dominating much of the downtown atmosphere. I miss autumn in Annapolis with all of its beautiful colors and smells and crispness. I miss sitting down at City Dock around dusk watching the boats as they sauntered in and out of port. I miss the juxtaposition of the liberal-leaning St John’s College with the Conservative bastion that is the USNA (think Athens being across the street from Sparta). I miss 49 West.
49 West is a coffee shop/bistro located on the main street as you head down to the City Dock. It’s home to an eclectic mix of beatniks, intellectuals, young professionals, musicians, artists, tattooed non-conformists and other characters that bring a spice and vibrancy to a mostly conservative town. I would frequent 49 West because the food was excellent and the people watching was almost always epic.
Not surprisingly, the majority of people who call 49 West a frequent haunt would not characterize themselves as Christian or “churched”, but would describe themselves as being generically spiritual. You could often overhear philosophical discussions while eating or even religious debates from the Johnnies (St. John’s students) in response to their unique educational development. There was a certain existential search that is typical of any place that attracts artists, intellectuals, and generally, people who love the community that a bohemian coffee shop can provide.
One particular evening, I was sitting down to a meal by myself. It was a Thursday night, which was typically when the place would bring in jazz musicians to perform in the back room. It was always busy with people packing out every table, filling the room with laughter, discussion, and the sound of good food being consumed. Thursdays were always full of life and sometimes, full of drama.
As I was eating, I noticed a waitress walk very purposefully to the front door holding a receipt book. She walked out the front door and looked up and down the sidewalk for a moment and then came back through the door with a look of despair. I realized through the context clues that someone had walked out on their tab. If you have ever worked in food service, you know that this is not a good thing. Her manager came up to her and I could see that they were talking about the situation. He said something and you could tell by the look on her face that she might be reaching a breaking point. I am guessing that the tab was going to come out of her tips. And then I heard Jesus somewhere in the back of my skull.
Jesus in my skull: Rick, pay for the ticket.
Me: Why don’t you give me a better paying job?
JIMS: Are you kidding me?
Me: Sorta.
I knew that this was Jesus, because I am usually on the selfish side of money issues. As a matter of fact, I have found that if you have a thought that is obviously good in the moral sense and it makes you uncomfortable, then said thought is almost always Jesus’ idea. I typically question the origin or motive of a good deed when it makes me uncomfortable and it turns out that this discomfort seems to be a hallmark of a God-breathed notion. So, I motioned for the waitress to come over to my table, which was convenient because she was my waitress as well. Her name was Sarah.
I asked her if I could pay the bill that was left behind. I cannot describe the look that came over her face. It was the kind of distrusting, confused look that comes towards a dude when he is making a weak attempt at a pass. I ensured her that I wasn’t hitting on her, I just thought it was the right thing to do. She looked up for a second and then turned around and walked towards the kitchen area. I assumed that she was going to blow off my offer, so I started to eat again. After a few moments, she walked by my table and sheepishly slid the ticket near me…almost ashamed to do so.
So, I picked up the ticket and looked at the damage left by the dine-n-dashers. It was not cheap. I was splurging on myself that night, so I could’ve really used a “water and caesar salad” sort of tab. Not so much. These people had set out to eat very well without obligation. I set out my debit card and she picked it up and brought it back to me with an earnest “thank you smirk” on her face. I started to sign the tab when Jesus started piping up again.
JIMS: Why don’t you tip her?
Me: Ok. What are you thinking? 10%?
JIMS: No…I was thinking that you could tip her the balance of the bill. And then do the same on your bill. That’s what I was thinking.”
Me: You are aware that you made me to be a youth pastor right? Are you kidding me?
JIMS: No.
So, I did what he asked me to do and walked out feeling large in the heart and small in the wallet. About 2 weeks later, I was eating lunch in 49 West on my day off. I had a delicious Rosemary Chicken Sandwich and a cheesecake. After finishing up, I asked for the tab. My waiter, Josh, retrieved it and showed me the balance. I reached for my wallet and Josh stopped me cold.
Josh: You need to put your wallet away.
Me: Excuse me?
Josh: I know what you did for Sarah that night that she was left with the hanging tab, and that was really a stand-up thing to do. You just need to know that you will never have to pay for another meal as long as I am working here.
Me: Wow. I don’t know what to say. That’s not really necessary, but thank you bro.
Josh: One good turn deserves another.
It was a really amazing moment. One that you realize that God might really know what he is talking about after all. So I just assumed, like always, that God was teaching me to be generous so he could show me what real generosity was. I thought that this was going to make a great sermon illustration and that ended the lesson. It was at this point that Josh asked me a question that I always am anxious to receive.
Josh: So what do you do?
Now, I am a pastor. I love being a pastor. I am proud to serve people in this way, but there are certain situations in which I feel that my job title will short-circuit my ability to connect with people who aren’t so high on church. This was one of those moments when I wished I could say, “environmentalist” or “mountain biker” or “real estate novelist” (thanks Billy Joel). So, with more than a little reticence, I looked at him and said:
Me: I will tell you what I do if you don’t judge me.
Josh: Huh? What does that mean? Wait…are you in porn?
Me: No! No…no…no. Think the other end of the spectrum. I am a pastor.
Josh: Oh. That’s cool. Even though I’m not really into religion and stuff. But I do consider myself a spiritual person.
JIMS: You don’t say…
We talked for a little while longer and Josh reassured me that my choice of profession/philosophy was cool with him, so there would always be a free meal waiting for me there at 49 West.
Over the next few weeks and months, I would go to 49 West and enjoy the food, new friends, and jazz music. I got to know most of the staff and they playfully referred to me as “preacherboy”…which was less than thrilling. Occasionally, someone would ask my opinion on philosophy or politics or gay rights and I would share what I thought about how Jesus would respond to all that stuff. Nothing too heavy. It was a chance to share Jesus’ heart without having to bludgeon anyone with a 15lb. Bible. I enjoyed it very much.
And then I found out why Jesus really wanted me to pay that tab.
I walked in to 49 one day and the cafe was mostly empty. I could hear the clinking of dishes and the chiming of silverware in the back, but there wasn’t really anyone around. I made my way to the back section to use the restroom when I saw Sarah, Josh, and another waiter-dude whose name I cannot recall. We shall call him Simon. I could tell that something was wrong because Sarah was staring at the salt shaker on the table and the others were just rubbing her back. I decided to mind my own business and went into the restroom. I came back out when the following happened:
Josh: Hey…do you have a minute?
Me: Sure. What’s going on?
I walked over to the booth in the corner where they were sitting and I realized that Sarah had been crying. She looked very tired and very done with the whole situation. The guys informed me that she had just broken up with her boyfriend the night before, and she was having a really hard time with it. They also mentioned that he was kind of abusive and prone to putting her down and disrespecting her. She said that she knew it was wrong to be with him, but she felt so emotionally wrapped up in him she did not know how to stay away or move on or even function apart from him. So Josh, looked at me after a moment and said:
Josh: Rick, could you give her some advice? I mean, try to keep Jesus and the Bible and church out of it if you can. But you seem to always have good things to say and we are having a hard time trying to help her.
Me: Well Josh, that’s hard for me to do because Jesus and the Bible and the church are why I see life the way I do. But I will try.
Josh: We appreciate it man.
This is where life becomes very sobering, very quickly. Each of us that believes in Jesus has a tremendous opportunity to speak healing and restoration into a world that is so damaged with sin and human frailty. These three trusted what I had to say about their lives. Our words can create and destroy if we are not careful, and I just did not want to blow this opportunity to gain their trust and encourage their own, “spirituality”. So I just started by asking Sarah a simple question:
Me: Sarah, do you feel like this guy really loved you?
Sarah: I’m not sure what that means.
Me: Well, I believe that love is seeking to put the needs and feelings of the other person ahead of your own. It’s something that desires to give itself away. Not just a physical thing, but a real deep sense of wanting what is best for the other person. Is this what he gave you?
She sat there for a moment and to quote John Mayer, played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shakers. You could see the obvious struggle in her own mind between what she knew to be true and what she felt to be safe. Finally after a couple of minutes, she answered:
Sarah: I don’t think he did. I think he loved himself too much to love me.
JIMS: Rick, tell her about what love is. Tell them all.
Me in my Skull: Workin’ on it.
Me: Sarah, do you ultimately want love? I mean do you want to be with someone who will seek to put you first? Do you want to be with someone who you love and respect so much that you actually want to fight yourself for their sake?
Sarah: Yes.
Me: Then can I show you something?
I knew that there was a Jesus/God/Church stipulation on my advice, but I knew that God desperately wanted to show these kids of his what the real breadth and depth of love was. So I walked back out to my Jeep and grabbed my Message Bible. I flipped over to the oft-used 1 Corinthians 13 passage. You know, the love section that everyone reads at weddings? I was pretty sure that she had never read it before, and I just wanted to show her what she was missing with this guy…and maybe missing in her life in general. So I sat down and laid the Bible down next to me. Now the beauty of this was that most MSG Bibles have a cool, hip cover, which is great for covert ops.
Me: I am going to ask you to read something. Is that ok?
Sarah: It’s the Bible isn’t it?
Me: I cannot confirm or deny your suspicions.
JIMS: Niiiiice.
Fortunately there was a bit of laughter to break the tortured tension. She nodded in approval and I slid it over to her. The passage had already been highlighted in my copy, so she immediately began reading:
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. 3 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. 4 Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head,5 Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, 6 Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 7 Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. 8 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. 9 We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. 10 But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. 11 When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. 12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
She sat there reading, and I could see her heart breaking right in front of me. Her eyes welled up and her chin started to quiver as she finished the passage. She looked up at me and nodded her head. Then she started to look back down at the floor. I wanted her to know that this was waiting for her. This is the love that was waiting for all of them.
Me: Sarah, this is what love is…this is what you deserve.
She started to weep quietly and nod her head in a I-know-you’re-right, sort of way. Josh slid the Bible over to himself and read the passage. I could see his eyes absorbing what was on the page and his heart drinking it in. He looked up after a moment and said, quietly awestruck, ”Wow.” He then slid the Bible down to Simon and told him to check it out. Simon read it and said:
Simon: That is the most $&*%ing amazing thing I have ever read. Is the whole book like this?
It was as surreal a moment as you could possibly imagine. Now, I would like to tell you that all three of them dropped to their knees and gave their hearts to Jesus. After all, that is how we normally measure a successful witnessing opportunity. Turns out, that often it is less about an individual giving their heart to Jesus than it is about us giving Jesus’ heart to someone else. We sat there for a few more moments, and I asked to pray with them. They allowed me to, and I asked for strength and love and courage for Sarah. I often pray with my eyes open, and they just stared at the floor taking it all in. Then I realized why I was supposed to pay for a meal that wasn’t my own.
I went into 49 West a few more times in my remaining time in Annapolis. We would have a few more discussions about life. I ate a few more delicious meals and heard some great jazz music. I think about my friends there from time to time and hope that they get around to reading the rest of the book. I pray for 49 West & someone who is loving enough to pick up a burden that is not theirs.
Often, we miss, or even worse, dismiss the prompting of Jesus in our hearts. We talk ourselves out of the simple obedience that leads to those real encounters in which Jesus literally uses us to be Himself with skin on. If you would have told me that I would be sitting in 49 West with its wait-staff exploring the mystery and beauty of Biblical Love, I would have called you insane. Because that is what it is. Jesus asks us to be a little insane. Believing that you are worth Jesus to God is by it’s very nature, non-sensical. But, so is paying a debt that is not your own.
JIMS: Now where have I heard that one before?!
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